Busy, stressful, exhausting ... and tough. Tough because my Dad once again is failing. It actually started last Friday, with the nurse taking him to ER for chest x-rays, she wasn't happy with what she was hearing in his lungs. By Monday his heart was racing and beating irregularly, so another trip to the ER to try and get that resolved. At one point it was 162bpm! That's like an engine racing, not good in the long run. So, they put him on new medication that is supposed to help regulate the beat. I guess it's a common side affect of cancer in the lungs, when the lungs start to get bad, the heart has a hard time. But, they say that this medication is usually very affective. Tuesday it seemed to be working, but he started experiencing bone pain in his hips/knees. So Wednesday involved a trip back to the hospital for a bone scan, to see how much the cancer has progressed in the bones. And by that evening, his heart rate was back up to 144bpm. So, they increase the dose of the medication. Yesterday, his heart rate was good as long as he was seated, the minute he stared moving it began to race. So I guess we don't have this figured out quite yet. Thankfully, he actually feels really good - the only side affect of the racing heart is that it makes him a little short of breath. And the nurse adjusted the meds so he hasn't experienced any pain since Tuesday morning. So that is good.
I'm having a hard time letting him be alone, yet in reality what would I do if he had a heart attack? Nothing. As he has a DNR (do not resuscitate) order, I can't call 911. I guess I just would feel really badly know he died alone - does that make sense? But, I think that is what he wants. He doesn't want us there if that does happen. He's been pushing us away for a while now, I think perhaps he's trying to protect us, in a weird way. He won't let me stay the night with him and I have to respect his wishes. Even if it is hard. So every night I worry that the next morning might be the one morning that he won't answer the phone when I call.
5 comments:
awww Bonnie.
(((((((((HUGS)))))))))
Call me anytime you need to talk. Or I could just call you all the time and talk to you whether you like it or not..... :-p
Really, though... if you need to talk anytime, call me.
:*(
Bonnie, I know it's hard. That's great that he feels good and isn't having any pain. I'm sure he appreciates all of the time that you do spend with him, even if he is pushing you away a little. You are an awesome daughter :)
Oh ((((hugs)))
I'm sorry you and your dad are going through this
Bonnie I'm really sorry you are going through this. Its so hard to balance your dad's desires with your own.
He knows you are there for him and that you love him, that's all he needs.
Hugs!
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